Alone

I'm trying to write simply because I don't know what else to do.

I feel like I can't put my feelings into words. Words simply aren't powerful enough to describe how I am feeling.

Borderline Personality Disorder.

I now think I have that too.

Yes, in this journal I will reveal to you all of my flaws.

It's almost like I lead two lives. Multiple lives? People know me in very different ways. Sometimes I laugh at the people who think I'm such an intelligent, capable, funny, caring, happy person.

It's funny that even some of the people closest to me still don't really know me. Yes, I feel like I constantly hide a large part of who I am. I hide what I don't like about myself. I hide what I am ashamed of. I hide what I don't want people to see. Because ultimately I just want to be liked and accepted, and I have this terrible fear that if people really knew everything about me they wouldn't like me. But the funny thing is, even the few who do know almost, if not everything about me.. when they tell me they accept me for who I am, and that they like me for who I am, I simply don't believe it. I am convinced that they are lying to me, or perhaps just pitying me, or trying to be a good person by just being nice to me. How could they possibly like me? I don't like me. I hate me, and I have a hard time understanding certain differences in opinions.

Sometimes I'm so convinced that certain people couldn't possibly like me that I decide to dislike them first. I tell myself, "it's not that they don't like me, it's that I don't like them." I constantly push people away, I push and push and push and eventually they leave. Yes, they all leave, because ultimately we are all completely alone in this world. At the end of the day, we are alone with no one else but ourselves to fend for our self in this twisted world.

My biggest fear has always been to end up hopelessly alone. I hate being alone. I hate being alone because when you're alone you're just spending time with yourself, and I hate myself. Why would I want to spend time with myself? If I have to be by myself, I try as hard as I can to simply find distractions from myself. Either that, or I just go into a fit of self-loathing and wallowing in self-pity.

And the funny thing is, it doesn't matter how many people are there for me, it doesn't matter how many friends I have, or whether I'm in a relationship or not, I always feel alone. I know it doesn't make sense, but I just permanently feel empty and alone.

In high school I used to have a lot of friends, I was surrounded by people who cared for and admired me. I probably even had people who wanted to be me. I had it all. A loving, caring family, great friends, good grades, awesome at music, and I was nice. I remember thinking, I had my life on a silver platter, and I didn't want it. I wanted to just throw it away. I was still miserable. No, I wasn't permanently miserable. Of course I enjoyed spending time with friends, so much so that at a certain time in my life I simply stopped coming home because I was constantly with friends. Then my parents started thinking I hated them... I decided I needed to be more fun so I became reckless, I was daring, and I was fun. I drove like a maniac, and I constantly shoplifted, and there was even that time I picked up a random person off the street and let them spend the night at my house. But still, for some reason it simply wasn't enough. So I decided to go to Boston. Maybe somewhere new, somewhere different. Maybe there would be my answer.

And at first, college was difficult. I had to remember that good friends aren't instantly made, and so for a while I felt alone until I met people I really jived with. I came prepared with an increased dosage of antidepressants, and felt ready to face new challenges. I put myself out there, was friendly, sociable, and pretended to be happy, and don't get me wrong sometimes I was happy. And again, I had numerous people who liked me, but deep down I still felt like everyone disliked me. I still felt utterly alone.

I learned the joys of alcohol, and turned to alcohol to try and fill the unfillable emptiness I felt inside of me. And I loved it. I could just forget about my life. I could just pretend that everything was okay, and the world seemed like a better place. But, it also had its downsides. I would black out, and not know what I did. I ended up in the hospital. I don't even remember what the guy's face I lost my virginity to looked like. I can't count the number of people I hooked up with, pretending that they cared about me, hoping that they cared about me. I was self-destructive. I would obsess over people that I knew didn't like me back, but I would still pretend and hope. And then there were people who did like me, but I didn't want THAT. A relationship with a caring, good person? Why would I want that? Why would I deserve such a thing. No, these people liked me, I couldn't let them stop liking me. I couldn't let them get to know me for who I really was. I had this terrible fear that if people got to know me better, they would stop liking me. And I needed to be liked. I desperately needed to be accepted and liked.

I learned about the joys of weed. I loved how it slowed down my thoughts, and I could find staring at a wall so entertaining. With weed, I didn't hate being with myself as much. I didn't feel constantly bored, like I normally do. And to my fascination, if I combined weed WITH alcohol, then I could really escape reality and be in a completely different world. A different world where things didn't matter, and only the present mattered. A world where I could be happy.

Did I mention I feel constantly bored? Yes, I get bored easily, even by other people. So even though I have this need for other people, few people are actually cool enough, or entertaining enough for me. But then in many of my interactions with other people, I find myself thinking "no, its not that they're not interesting, its me." I'M the one that's boring. I am the one who is so hopelessly utterly boring, why would anyone want to spend time with me? I bore myself, so why wouldn't I bore other people as well?

I still felt alone. I told myself, I just needed to find love. I just needed someone to love me who I could love back. Then everything would be okay and life would be grand. For me, finding love has always been a priority. I truly don't understand other people who aren't searching for it. How can you not be? I wanted to find that perfect person, who would make the world a happy place.

But no one is perfect. I found someone to love, and I think I was simply so infatuated with the idea of love, I wanted to love so badly, that I jumped in headfirst without any hesitation. But did I really love? Could I really love? Am I even capable of love? No, what I really needed was someone to take care of me, someone to reassure me that I wasn't a terrible person. Someone to accept me for who I was. Someone to be good to me, and help my stop my self-destructive ways. And this person was good to me, and did care about me, and did love me, and did help me. But every single step of the way I tried to find ways to sabotage it. He couldn't possibly love me if I go abroad. He couldn't possibly love me if I like someone else. He couldn't possibly love me if I am miserably depressed. He couldn't possibly love me if I hate having sex, he couldn't possibly love me if I wished I were a man. And every step of the way I doubted him, and I tested him. How could he possibly love me. There was no way it was possible. None. Did I really love him? Or did I just need him. Was he just there, when I so desperately needed someone? Anyone? I simply needed to stop feeling so alone.

But I still felt alone.

I still feel alone.

I hate feeling alone.

I know I hurt people, and then I do feel intense guilt and remorse. Sometimes I feel like I just hurt everyone around me. I try to be a better person, but I just can't. I pretend to be a good person. But deep down I know that I'm not.

I am a horrible person, and no one can convince me otherwise.

I may regret posting this soon, but then again, I'm not even sure if anyone really reads this so it might not matter.

Current song: "Run" by Snow Patrol