I think I might just be pansexual and genderqueer.
Take THAT.
After my last post about how I like to analyze things, I will let you know that I spend an inordinate amount of time analyzing myself, life and my place in life.
I think this is why I have always been attracted to psychology. Psychology feeds into my obsession in trying to better understand myself and those around me. I truly am fascinated by humans (and some animals such as my cat as well).
Sometimes I think I spend a bit too much time simply observing my own life as opposed to actually being in the present moment and living it. I try to just "be" more often but its a daily challenge.
I also have this tendency to think that I am crazy, but what does crazy mean anyway? and aren't we all a bit crazy? I mean really, anything that is crazy is really just not the norm, and yes I have picked up on the fact that I am not like everyone else. But not everyone else is like each other either. Sometimes I wish that we could all be more honest with ourselves and about ourselves. Its like we live in this world all hiding behind different facades. Depending who we are around we may show or hide different facets of ourselves or may even lie about who we really are. Does this stem from our own insecurities? Does this stem from other people's judgmental nature? Those people closest to us have broken down many of our facades and we are able to be our truest selves around them. Don't pretend you never hide behind a facade, because we all do it. We all act at least slightly differently depending who we are around. We always try to put our best self forward at a job interview or on a first date. It's just the way we are. We all want to be accepted, and many times its better to be accepted under a facade than to show our truest self and not be accepted at all.
I always find it very refreshing and admirable when someone just puts themselves out there. I am working on being more honest with myself and with others. This is also a work in progress.
But back to my identity.
I have never been a huge fan of labels and boxes simply because I never really felt I fit into them. But I understand that many times labels do serve a purpose and in my desire to understand myself I have always been searching for those labels and boxes that I fit into. I understand that some of you may be thinking, forget the labels and just be happy without them. However for me, this search for labels simply stems from a desire to better understand myself and the usage of words and labels can sometimes help.
From the identities I have mentioned, I suppose my sexuality was the first to be brought into question. I first rhought fell in love with a girl when I was 12 years old. Now many of you may be thinking, 12!! that's so young! and I suppose it is, but it was still a very real experience for me that I would never try to discredit simply because of my young age. Besides, girls mature at a younger age than boys do. =) This relationship lasted over a year and continued throughout most of my freshman year of high school. I learned what it was like to live while hiding a huge part of who you are. I felt like my life was one big secret, and well it was. We were going against odds to be with each other. We made up code words so we could tell each other we loved each other without other people finding out. We were obsessive. We wrote millions of letters to each other, and talked on the phone with each other, and made up just about any excuse we could to be with each other. To almost everyone else we were just "best friends." We learned how to be stealth and how to lie. It truly was, great fun. Until my mom forbade me to hang out with her or even talk to her because she realized that she was a lesbian and thought that she was trying to "seduce me." I locked myself in my room and lit every candle I owned (and I owned a lot back then) and just lay in bed being miserable and melodramatic. Another time I was spending the night at my girlfriends house, and we were upstairs watching a movie and cuddling with each other and her mother walked in on us. I still remember her look of horror. She told me to get in the car and started driving me home. She started blaming me for everything. How could I have done this to her daughter? Her daughter was "fine" and "normal" before me. Somehow I had changed her. I was at fault for everything. But really, these challenges only brought us closer together. It wasn't until later that I fell out of love, and I realized that you can never foresee the future. We started fighting more and she became very possessive. I just stopped feeling it. I began to have trust issues with myself. ]
Now I understand that people change. I change and will continue to change. Sometimes it scares me, but it is also part of what makes life interesting. It is also part of the reason why I am scared to get a tattoo. I fear that I could love it now, but then later hate it.
So I went from assuming I was straight, to thinking I must be a lesbian.
I felt completely and utterly alone. I had shut out most of my friends in my life to be in this obsessive relationship. Most of the mutual friends that my ex-girlfriend and I had all took her side, and ostracized me for being such a horrible person to her. How could I have just broken her heart like that? I got incredibly depressed, and began my journey of various antidepressants and therapists, which I may address in another entry.
I became focused on myself, and on rebuilding my life. On making new friends, and trying hard in school. I escaped frequently into my music, because sometimes I felt that I could express my emotions through my music so much better than I could with my words.
After this however, I found myself being attracted to boys. So I determined I must be bisexual. After my first relationship, I was adamant that I would not be so obsessive, and have a nice balance of friends, self, and relationship. My next relationship, or perhaps more "learning experience" lasted about one month. I was exploring new territory. Boys were so mysterious and confusing to me. I also struggled with the non-secrecy. The first time he tried to hold my hand in public, I quickly moved it away. To this day, I still sometimes struggle with being comfortable with public displays of affection but I'm much better.
Anyway, at a certain point I started doubting whether I truly was bisexual and constantly felt this need to "prove" that I was truly bisexual. I mean I hadn't been with a girl in a long time, and most of my crushes were of boys. I had friends who would ask me "so are you straight yet?" This need for people to box me annoyed me. I don't go around asking single people if they're asexual yet. And I would go to lgbt meetings, and bi group meetings and somehow still feel out of place. Like I didn't quite fit in.
It was only recently when I first heard the term pansexual. Since I have also been struggling with gender issues for some time I instantly loved the new term that I could add to my vocabulary. Pansexual, it just sounded so open, just like I strive to be.
I will finish this later...
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Analyze this
I have a tendency to over-analyze everything. Now in some situations it can be a good thing, but usually it just gets in the way. I obsess. I think about every single situation and every single possibility.
Sometimes when I actually say some of the things I have excruciatingly over-analyzed it can be rather humorous.
On the one hand, I've been trying hard to be more honest with myself and honest about myself. A part of that has included admitting to people that I do struggle with depression. It has been a big part of my life and affected who I am today in a lot of ways. However because of this I've lately become kind of paranoid that perhaps people are just pitying me, feeling sorry for me, and are just trying to be nice to me because of this.
I really wish people could just be upfront with me. But maybe I'm just over-thinking things again.
In other news, the midterm I was supposed to have this week got pushed back another week. So that's awesome... but that just gives me longer to procrastinate.
Sometimes when I actually say some of the things I have excruciatingly over-analyzed it can be rather humorous.
On the one hand, I've been trying hard to be more honest with myself and honest about myself. A part of that has included admitting to people that I do struggle with depression. It has been a big part of my life and affected who I am today in a lot of ways. However because of this I've lately become kind of paranoid that perhaps people are just pitying me, feeling sorry for me, and are just trying to be nice to me because of this.
I really wish people could just be upfront with me. But maybe I'm just over-thinking things again.
In other news, the midterm I was supposed to have this week got pushed back another week. So that's awesome... but that just gives me longer to procrastinate.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
A Saturday morning
And once again the pit at the bottom of my stomach persists. Why won't it go away? What can I do to make it go away? Anyone? Any ideas? Please?
Today I woke up early because our TA for Research Methods in Clinical Psychology set aside some extra hours to help us all out with SPSS and how to do the different tests and stuff. Our TA is really such a great person. He has gone completely out of his way to help us out and make sure we all understand what we're doing. I just feel like a complete idiot in that class however. I don't know why I'm having such difficulty understanding things. And then today, it seemed like everyone was progressing through the problems so much faster than I was, I just kept staring at them blankly. I was the first to leave because I just couldn't take it anymore. I needed a break, I needed to do something else. Then I actually went to Dewick, and even considered going to the gym, but the second I got to my room I got tired and ended up taking a two hour nap.
And here I am. I think I might still try to go to the gym after this. Perhaps it will help me focus, and really I just haven't gone in such a long while.
I am really liking yoga. It's always so amazing to me how during the workout it doesn't necessarily feel like a super challenging workout like say running or lifting weights does, but the next day I am always so surprisingly sore. It's a good feeling though. I enjoy feeling sore because then I know that I am improving and getting stronger.
I swear I had thought of something more meaningful to say.. but now I can't remember. I hate how frequently that seems to happen to me. Oh well. Maybe I'll remember later.
Today I woke up early because our TA for Research Methods in Clinical Psychology set aside some extra hours to help us all out with SPSS and how to do the different tests and stuff. Our TA is really such a great person. He has gone completely out of his way to help us out and make sure we all understand what we're doing. I just feel like a complete idiot in that class however. I don't know why I'm having such difficulty understanding things. And then today, it seemed like everyone was progressing through the problems so much faster than I was, I just kept staring at them blankly. I was the first to leave because I just couldn't take it anymore. I needed a break, I needed to do something else. Then I actually went to Dewick, and even considered going to the gym, but the second I got to my room I got tired and ended up taking a two hour nap.
And here I am. I think I might still try to go to the gym after this. Perhaps it will help me focus, and really I just haven't gone in such a long while.
I am really liking yoga. It's always so amazing to me how during the workout it doesn't necessarily feel like a super challenging workout like say running or lifting weights does, but the next day I am always so surprisingly sore. It's a good feeling though. I enjoy feeling sore because then I know that I am improving and getting stronger.
I swear I had thought of something more meaningful to say.. but now I can't remember. I hate how frequently that seems to happen to me. Oh well. Maybe I'll remember later.
For all you stalkers
Whenever I reach a new point in my life I usually feel the need to start a brand new fresh journal. I haven't kept a journal for the past 3 years or so, so it seemed fitting that I start a new one. However if you are interested you can access some of my older blogs. I have numerous entries for all of you out there who are incredibly bored and really have nothing better to do than read what my thoughts have been since I was about 15 years old... but alas, I shall not presume that I don't have any stalkers. Enjoy!
Blogspot 14 entries (2/26/07 - 4/18/07)
Livejournal 274 entries (10/24/04 - 2/9/07)
Diaryland 272 entries (5/30/03 - 10/24/04)
Blogspot 14 entries (2/26/07 - 4/18/07)
Livejournal 274 entries (10/24/04 - 2/9/07)
Diaryland 272 entries (5/30/03 - 10/24/04)
I love you, Andres
My mind right now is just racing with thoughts. This is usually what happens though before I go to bed. Usually why I have trouble sleeping. When everything has ended and you just lay in bed left with nothing else but your own thoughts. Usually I try to keep myself constantly busy to try and escape these very thoughts, try to distract myself from them, but eventually I always have to face them.
There is this just nervous anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know I keep procrastinating things that I shouldn't be. Like how I decided that I wanted to apply for the Americorps NCCC program over the summer, I started the application way back in September... and now its February and I STILL haven't finished it. Every time I look at it I just feel sick to my stomach. I want to get in so badly, yet I'm so scared of rejection, and I believe it is rolling admissions so at this point I'm wondering if I should even bother applying to the fall program or if I should go ahead and apply instead to the winter program. I don't know.
Tonight I was in a pretty good mood. But I had no one to share it with. It was nice outside again, and I walked around a bit, but then just went back to my room... to compulsively check my facebook and e-mail... and try to find stupid things to preoccupy my time with. Last night I kept checking my e-mail like every 10 minutes, as if someone was going to send me a new e-mail at 3:30 AM within 10 minutes...
I have been trying hard to get back in touch with people who I care about. I'm really realizing how much I just shut myself off from the world. I don't think it helped that I didn't have internet for almost a year while I was in Spain. But I just feel strange lately. Like I'm finally not being a hermit anymore, and making an effort to be nice to people, and give people a chance, and get to know people, and I've been meeting some pretty cool cats, but I'm also about to graduate, and really I'm just finding that this is a never-ending predicament that I face. I meet some cool people, and soon enough they're out of my life again. I understand that life takes us all in different directions, and that we are all doing our own thing, but sometimes I just wish I could just surround myself by all the people I care about whenever I so desire!
It's just so hard for me to live in the present. I know its something I need to work on. To stop regretting the past, stop worrying about the future and just be happy in the present. Easier said than done. I somehow just constantly fear that I'm going to do something to eternally fuck up my future. I'm trying really hard to just enjoy moments for what they are, and to maximize the number of moments enjoyed.
I really do have a big heart and although I believe I am able to perhaps give more because of it, I also think I get hurt easier because of it. Deep down I am a hopeless romantic.
Lately I keep thinking about my uncle who passed away. Aside from my sister and parents, I barely know the rest of my family. They all live in Argentina, and I've only ever met them a few times. I used to get really upset about this, and felt angry toward my parents for coming to the US. My family all know each other well, and get along together great (or so it seems) and my sister and I were just the odd ones out. My uncle is really the only one who truly made an effort to get to know me. I never got the chance to get to know him as well as I would have liked to but to this day he is probably my biggest role model. He was energetic and positive and lived life to the fullest. He never had any money but every single year he would remember my birthday and usually send me some sort of gift. I never remembered his birthday. He traveled the world and never judged anyone. When I went to visit him we shared ice cream with this homeless man he befriended and allowed to live under the steps. He would always bring change with him to give to the homeless. When I was 13 or so he offered me marijuana since he smoked every single night. He would tell me stories about all the different drugs he tried. He loved to draw, and he loved cats and plants. He had his priorities straight, and understood what really mattered in life. He died from AIDS about a year ago. He lived far longer than all the doctors told him he would. I'm sorry I didn't get to know you better, and I'm sorry that the last time you called on the phone I didn't really care to talk. I have always admired you and I will always love you. You are truly a guide in my every day life. I hope that somehow or in some way you can hear me.
If I have learned anything its that I should always give people a chance, to try and live life to the fullest while I can, and to take the time to appreciate the wonderful people in my life.
Fuck I'm crying. How did I even get on that topic? I don't know.
Sorry if I keep jumping from thought to thought...
I got a cranberry-grapefruit vitamin water. I now have two flavors of vitamin-water I enjoy. The other is dragonfruit.
Uff.. I think I should probably go sleep soon since I have to wake up at 10 tomorrow... on a Saturday to learn to use stupid statistics programs.
There is this just nervous anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know I keep procrastinating things that I shouldn't be. Like how I decided that I wanted to apply for the Americorps NCCC program over the summer, I started the application way back in September... and now its February and I STILL haven't finished it. Every time I look at it I just feel sick to my stomach. I want to get in so badly, yet I'm so scared of rejection, and I believe it is rolling admissions so at this point I'm wondering if I should even bother applying to the fall program or if I should go ahead and apply instead to the winter program. I don't know.
Tonight I was in a pretty good mood. But I had no one to share it with. It was nice outside again, and I walked around a bit, but then just went back to my room... to compulsively check my facebook and e-mail... and try to find stupid things to preoccupy my time with. Last night I kept checking my e-mail like every 10 minutes, as if someone was going to send me a new e-mail at 3:30 AM within 10 minutes...
I have been trying hard to get back in touch with people who I care about. I'm really realizing how much I just shut myself off from the world. I don't think it helped that I didn't have internet for almost a year while I was in Spain. But I just feel strange lately. Like I'm finally not being a hermit anymore, and making an effort to be nice to people, and give people a chance, and get to know people, and I've been meeting some pretty cool cats, but I'm also about to graduate, and really I'm just finding that this is a never-ending predicament that I face. I meet some cool people, and soon enough they're out of my life again. I understand that life takes us all in different directions, and that we are all doing our own thing, but sometimes I just wish I could just surround myself by all the people I care about whenever I so desire!
It's just so hard for me to live in the present. I know its something I need to work on. To stop regretting the past, stop worrying about the future and just be happy in the present. Easier said than done. I somehow just constantly fear that I'm going to do something to eternally fuck up my future. I'm trying really hard to just enjoy moments for what they are, and to maximize the number of moments enjoyed.
I really do have a big heart and although I believe I am able to perhaps give more because of it, I also think I get hurt easier because of it. Deep down I am a hopeless romantic.
Lately I keep thinking about my uncle who passed away. Aside from my sister and parents, I barely know the rest of my family. They all live in Argentina, and I've only ever met them a few times. I used to get really upset about this, and felt angry toward my parents for coming to the US. My family all know each other well, and get along together great (or so it seems) and my sister and I were just the odd ones out. My uncle is really the only one who truly made an effort to get to know me. I never got the chance to get to know him as well as I would have liked to but to this day he is probably my biggest role model. He was energetic and positive and lived life to the fullest. He never had any money but every single year he would remember my birthday and usually send me some sort of gift. I never remembered his birthday. He traveled the world and never judged anyone. When I went to visit him we shared ice cream with this homeless man he befriended and allowed to live under the steps. He would always bring change with him to give to the homeless. When I was 13 or so he offered me marijuana since he smoked every single night. He would tell me stories about all the different drugs he tried. He loved to draw, and he loved cats and plants. He had his priorities straight, and understood what really mattered in life. He died from AIDS about a year ago. He lived far longer than all the doctors told him he would. I'm sorry I didn't get to know you better, and I'm sorry that the last time you called on the phone I didn't really care to talk. I have always admired you and I will always love you. You are truly a guide in my every day life. I hope that somehow or in some way you can hear me.
If I have learned anything its that I should always give people a chance, to try and live life to the fullest while I can, and to take the time to appreciate the wonderful people in my life.
Fuck I'm crying. How did I even get on that topic? I don't know.
Sorry if I keep jumping from thought to thought...
I got a cranberry-grapefruit vitamin water. I now have two flavors of vitamin-water I enjoy. The other is dragonfruit.
Uff.. I think I should probably go sleep soon since I have to wake up at 10 tomorrow... on a Saturday to learn to use stupid statistics programs.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Self-handicapping
It's 5 am............................ I have class tomorrow... I haven't finished my homework.. I don't want to do my homework now... I'm tempted to just sleep, but I'm scared I won't wake up to do my homework. Instead I'm just wasting time online. I have known about this homework for the past two weeks. Why oh why do I do this to myself?
In other news, its absolutely splendid outside right now. It finally stopped raining, its not too cold, and it just feels so crisp and clean, and I love the eery silence of night. Too bad I have work to do and can't just hang out outside. Not to mention I'd probably get kind of paranoid on my own anyway.
I don't really have much to say, so I'm just making up things to say.
In other news, its absolutely splendid outside right now. It finally stopped raining, its not too cold, and it just feels so crisp and clean, and I love the eery silence of night. Too bad I have work to do and can't just hang out outside. Not to mention I'd probably get kind of paranoid on my own anyway.
I don't really have much to say, so I'm just making up things to say.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
its raining fucking hard
So.. I'm trying really really hard to start writing again. I mean I keep THINKING about writing, and I always think of all these things I want to say.. but then I just don't. It's almost like I have TOO much to say, and I know I'll never get around to saying everything that I want to say so instead I just don't say anything at all. I started re-reading my old journal entries, and most of them are super depressing... Whatever.... this snippet was rather entertaining however:
"After my 9:30 class I walked over to Dowling. I am always a fan of shortcuts, so I decided to go across the snow rather than staying on the nice pathway. I soon realized what a bad idea this was as the snow was really a big sheet of ice and I fell on my ass. I couldn't stand back up, so I just pushed myself along on my ass until I reached the road. This guy was staring at me and laughing hysterically."
Anyway.... today kinda sucked. I woke up.. decided to miss my 9am class even though I have an exam for it next week... Then I woke up again at 12 and decided to sleep through physical therapy. I just don't understand why I am so tired. I mean I went to sleep around 1:30... I should have been well rested enough to make it to physical therapy. But I just couldn't. I felt like I had a ton of bricks on top of me. Ugh. I was so optimistic about Cymbalta. It really was helping so much, and now I just feel like it stopped working. However, I do feel better overall I guess... at least there are moments where I am doing okay. I thrive off of the energy of other people, and I'm definitely not nearly as socially anxious as I was. Now I usually find myself in my room bored... wanting to hang out with people but with no one to hang out with. What happened to late night study parties?! What happened to just wandering around Dewick for hours and hours?
It's been raining nonstop all day today and yesterday. A part of me hates the rain and I want it to go away. Another part of me loves it. It's fairly warm outside and I'm fairly tempted to go for a run outside, and just feel the rain hitting my skin and just not give a damn about anything. I feel like it would just be so refreshing. I just want to run and run and run until I'm so exhausted that I just fall to the ground. By that point, the ground will probably be pretty muddy since its been raining so much. And I can just lay down in the mushy ground and feel the rain seeping into my every pore. I can roll around in the mud and be filthy and not give a damn. I would also love to make out with someone in the rain. Instead I think I'll just sit inside my room and be annoyed.
Annoyed at the world. Someone bailed on me for dinner tonight. We had been trying to get dinner together for like the past two weeks or so. I was planning on going to a movie screening, but I decided that it wasn't that important. So I put MY plans aside so that we could finally get dinner. 7:30 rolls around, which was when we had planned, and nothing... 7:45 rolls around, and I decide to call to see whats up. "Oh I got hungry so I already ate... I'm really sorry..." Really? Really? wtf. As if I didn't have anything better to do except wait around to get dinner. You could have at least called... so I could make my other plans... but I had to call. The worst part about it is that I pretended like everything was fine. I tried so hard to pretend like it didn't matter, and like it wasn't a big deal. Why? I really don't know. I mean truly... he should know how uncool that was... I'm so just... whatever right now.
Then I actually get all motivated (which I really haven't been lately at all) and go to the library. I'm feeling all sorts of energized and ready to do work... and then... the blackboard site is down. On the one hand... its gives me an excuse to not do work... on the other hand.. I was actually finally motivated to do work... and its due tomorrow. It just better work before tomorrow because I doubt that excuse will fly since we've had about 2 weeks now to get this done. Yes I am a huge procrastinator.
Today I went to see Lucy. For the past year I have been going once a week to the Tufts Educational Day Care center to play with a 6 year old girl named Lucy who has high-functioning autism. She is really starting to show how much she cares about me and I think its truly going to break my heart. She made me two drawings today, and when I tried to leave she really really didn't want me to leave. She just kept giving me hugs and told me she would miss me. She also invited me over to her house to play.... ugh. I'm okay saying bye when I know that I'll just see her the next week, but I think I might cry at the end of this year when I know I won't be seeing her anymore. This has really been such a great experience for me. I have learned so much, and I feel like I just get her. I understand her quirks, and why she does the things she does when no one else seems to.
I love children. They're so much more sincere, and honest, and true to themselves than adults are. There is so much less bullshit.
I just feel like I'm trying so hard.. and I just don't know how much more I can try.
I need to start going to the gym again, and work out all of my frustrations. Anyone wanna go with me?
I'm going to binge on some swedish fish and sour patch kids now and watch some grey's anatomy and private practice....
Later
"After my 9:30 class I walked over to Dowling. I am always a fan of shortcuts, so I decided to go across the snow rather than staying on the nice pathway. I soon realized what a bad idea this was as the snow was really a big sheet of ice and I fell on my ass. I couldn't stand back up, so I just pushed myself along on my ass until I reached the road. This guy was staring at me and laughing hysterically."
Anyway.... today kinda sucked. I woke up.. decided to miss my 9am class even though I have an exam for it next week... Then I woke up again at 12 and decided to sleep through physical therapy. I just don't understand why I am so tired. I mean I went to sleep around 1:30... I should have been well rested enough to make it to physical therapy. But I just couldn't. I felt like I had a ton of bricks on top of me. Ugh. I was so optimistic about Cymbalta. It really was helping so much, and now I just feel like it stopped working. However, I do feel better overall I guess... at least there are moments where I am doing okay. I thrive off of the energy of other people, and I'm definitely not nearly as socially anxious as I was. Now I usually find myself in my room bored... wanting to hang out with people but with no one to hang out with. What happened to late night study parties?! What happened to just wandering around Dewick for hours and hours?
It's been raining nonstop all day today and yesterday. A part of me hates the rain and I want it to go away. Another part of me loves it. It's fairly warm outside and I'm fairly tempted to go for a run outside, and just feel the rain hitting my skin and just not give a damn about anything. I feel like it would just be so refreshing. I just want to run and run and run until I'm so exhausted that I just fall to the ground. By that point, the ground will probably be pretty muddy since its been raining so much. And I can just lay down in the mushy ground and feel the rain seeping into my every pore. I can roll around in the mud and be filthy and not give a damn. I would also love to make out with someone in the rain. Instead I think I'll just sit inside my room and be annoyed.
Annoyed at the world. Someone bailed on me for dinner tonight. We had been trying to get dinner together for like the past two weeks or so. I was planning on going to a movie screening, but I decided that it wasn't that important. So I put MY plans aside so that we could finally get dinner. 7:30 rolls around, which was when we had planned, and nothing... 7:45 rolls around, and I decide to call to see whats up. "Oh I got hungry so I already ate... I'm really sorry..." Really? Really? wtf. As if I didn't have anything better to do except wait around to get dinner. You could have at least called... so I could make my other plans... but I had to call. The worst part about it is that I pretended like everything was fine. I tried so hard to pretend like it didn't matter, and like it wasn't a big deal. Why? I really don't know. I mean truly... he should know how uncool that was... I'm so just... whatever right now.
Then I actually get all motivated (which I really haven't been lately at all) and go to the library. I'm feeling all sorts of energized and ready to do work... and then... the blackboard site is down. On the one hand... its gives me an excuse to not do work... on the other hand.. I was actually finally motivated to do work... and its due tomorrow. It just better work before tomorrow because I doubt that excuse will fly since we've had about 2 weeks now to get this done. Yes I am a huge procrastinator.
Today I went to see Lucy. For the past year I have been going once a week to the Tufts Educational Day Care center to play with a 6 year old girl named Lucy who has high-functioning autism. She is really starting to show how much she cares about me and I think its truly going to break my heart. She made me two drawings today, and when I tried to leave she really really didn't want me to leave. She just kept giving me hugs and told me she would miss me. She also invited me over to her house to play.... ugh. I'm okay saying bye when I know that I'll just see her the next week, but I think I might cry at the end of this year when I know I won't be seeing her anymore. This has really been such a great experience for me. I have learned so much, and I feel like I just get her. I understand her quirks, and why she does the things she does when no one else seems to.
I love children. They're so much more sincere, and honest, and true to themselves than adults are. There is so much less bullshit.
I just feel like I'm trying so hard.. and I just don't know how much more I can try.
I need to start going to the gym again, and work out all of my frustrations. Anyone wanna go with me?
I'm going to binge on some swedish fish and sour patch kids now and watch some grey's anatomy and private practice....
Later
Friday, February 5, 2010
A new me.
It is almost 6 am and I have class tomorrow morning but I don't care, I just felt I had to write. For the first time in about 3 years I feel truly happy. For me happiness really is a state of being and really has very little to do with the events that occur in life. Getting depressed because someone died? That's normal. Being consistently depressed for no reason. That's not normal. I think I first realized that I struggled with depression in 9th grade.
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