Character Flaw

I keep over-analyzing myself.

I am convinced that I will soon be diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder, which consists of hypomanic episodes instead of full blown mania. From my research, hypomanic episodes can have some symptoms similar to adhd such as inability to focus and racing thoughts, which I have definitely experienced. Also in my research, apparently bipolar disorder can be misdiagnosed for a long time as just depression, because mild manic episodes may go unnoticed, and are just not as frequent many times. Apparently there are many triggers to manic episodes, including, drugs and alcohol, stress, sleep deprivation, and antidepressants. I think perhaps the Cymbalta may have instigated a hypomanic episode, which is why I felt "too" happy and then got super depressed again, and lately my moods are just all over the place. I think I cry just about every day lately. I feel so out of control.

But hopefully this will all be sorted out soon, I went to a counselor this week, and I'm going to start going to a psychiatrist here at Tufts as well. I just really hope I don't fail out of school in the mean time...

I hate how some of the people closest to me (mainly one person) always always always minimizes anything that I am going through, and always has to chime in that somehow what they are going through is worse. I also hate how I feel like I really don't have anybody I can talk to that understands me. It's funny, I try so hard to lend an open ear to everyone else. I try so hard to be there for people when they need it. Yet when I need someone I feel like no one is there. Sometimes I even try to flat out tell people how bad things are going and it just feels like everyone is too preoccupied in themselves to ever notice or care how I'm doing.

I guess Eric was really the one person that I could tell everything to. Even if I knew I was annoying him, and he would never say anything, he would at least listen and I knew I could call at any time if necessary. I wanted to know what his opinion was on whether or not I might be bipolar. I wanted to know if he thought I was just over-analyzing things again and getting way ahead of myself. I wanted to know his opinion, simply because I know he knows me fairly well, and I value what he thinks.

He responded by telling me he doesn't believe in depression. That depression is just a mental thing.

I'm like yeh... well of course its a "mental" thing. I'm like what do you mean, that its not a neurochemical imbalance?

He was like, I just think you need more discipline and that depression is just a character flaw.

Tears just started falling. I had nothing to say. I felt dumbfounded. I knew he used to think that about depression, but how could he still think that after being with me for so long? How could he still think that its just all in my head, and that I could control it if I just tried harder. I am trying dammit. I AM FUCKING TRYING. I wasn't always this way. I know something is wrong with me. That much I am certain of.

It just hurts.

I just feel alone. I feel alone and like no one understands me.

Did I mention I have a 6-8 page paper to write for tomorrow and statistics homework to finish? Yeh... maybe I can start that once I stop crying.