I am both emotionally and physically exhausted, however at this very moment I feel at peace with the world.
I really appreciate everyone who has been there for me. Even the little things count, and its been really nice to feel like people care.
Thank you.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Alone
I'm trying to write simply because I don't know what else to do.
I feel like I can't put my feelings into words. Words simply aren't powerful enough to describe how I am feeling.
Borderline Personality Disorder.
I now think I have that too.
Yes, in this journal I will reveal to you all of my flaws.
It's almost like I lead two lives. Multiple lives? People know me in very different ways. Sometimes I laugh at the people who think I'm such an intelligent, capable, funny, caring, happy person.
It's funny that even some of the people closest to me still don't really know me. Yes, I feel like I constantly hide a large part of who I am. I hide what I don't like about myself. I hide what I am ashamed of. I hide what I don't want people to see. Because ultimately I just want to be liked and accepted, and I have this terrible fear that if people really knew everything about me they wouldn't like me. But the funny thing is, even the few who do know almost, if not everything about me.. when they tell me they accept me for who I am, and that they like me for who I am, I simply don't believe it. I am convinced that they are lying to me, or perhaps just pitying me, or trying to be a good person by just being nice to me. How could they possibly like me? I don't like me. I hate me, and I have a hard time understanding certain differences in opinions.
Sometimes I'm so convinced that certain people couldn't possibly like me that I decide to dislike them first. I tell myself, "it's not that they don't like me, it's that I don't like them." I constantly push people away, I push and push and push and eventually they leave. Yes, they all leave, because ultimately we are all completely alone in this world. At the end of the day, we are alone with no one else but ourselves to fend for our self in this twisted world.
My biggest fear has always been to end up hopelessly alone. I hate being alone. I hate being alone because when you're alone you're just spending time with yourself, and I hate myself. Why would I want to spend time with myself? If I have to be by myself, I try as hard as I can to simply find distractions from myself. Either that, or I just go into a fit of self-loathing and wallowing in self-pity.
And the funny thing is, it doesn't matter how many people are there for me, it doesn't matter how many friends I have, or whether I'm in a relationship or not, I always feel alone. I know it doesn't make sense, but I just permanently feel empty and alone.
In high school I used to have a lot of friends, I was surrounded by people who cared for and admired me. I probably even had people who wanted to be me. I had it all. A loving, caring family, great friends, good grades, awesome at music, and I was nice. I remember thinking, I had my life on a silver platter, and I didn't want it. I wanted to just throw it away. I was still miserable. No, I wasn't permanently miserable. Of course I enjoyed spending time with friends, so much so that at a certain time in my life I simply stopped coming home because I was constantly with friends. Then my parents started thinking I hated them... I decided I needed to be more fun so I became reckless, I was daring, and I was fun. I drove like a maniac, and I constantly shoplifted, and there was even that time I picked up a random person off the street and let them spend the night at my house. But still, for some reason it simply wasn't enough. So I decided to go to Boston. Maybe somewhere new, somewhere different. Maybe there would be my answer.
And at first, college was difficult. I had to remember that good friends aren't instantly made, and so for a while I felt alone until I met people I really jived with. I came prepared with an increased dosage of antidepressants, and felt ready to face new challenges. I put myself out there, was friendly, sociable, and pretended to be happy, and don't get me wrong sometimes I was happy. And again, I had numerous people who liked me, but deep down I still felt like everyone disliked me. I still felt utterly alone.
I learned the joys of alcohol, and turned to alcohol to try and fill the unfillable emptiness I felt inside of me. And I loved it. I could just forget about my life. I could just pretend that everything was okay, and the world seemed like a better place. But, it also had its downsides. I would black out, and not know what I did. I ended up in the hospital. I don't even remember what the guy's face I lost my virginity to looked like. I can't count the number of people I hooked up with, pretending that they cared about me, hoping that they cared about me. I was self-destructive. I would obsess over people that I knew didn't like me back, but I would still pretend and hope. And then there were people who did like me, but I didn't want THAT. A relationship with a caring, good person? Why would I want that? Why would I deserve such a thing. No, these people liked me, I couldn't let them stop liking me. I couldn't let them get to know me for who I really was. I had this terrible fear that if people got to know me better, they would stop liking me. And I needed to be liked. I desperately needed to be accepted and liked.
I learned about the joys of weed. I loved how it slowed down my thoughts, and I could find staring at a wall so entertaining. With weed, I didn't hate being with myself as much. I didn't feel constantly bored, like I normally do. And to my fascination, if I combined weed WITH alcohol, then I could really escape reality and be in a completely different world. A different world where things didn't matter, and only the present mattered. A world where I could be happy.
Did I mention I feel constantly bored? Yes, I get bored easily, even by other people. So even though I have this need for other people, few people are actually cool enough, or entertaining enough for me. But then in many of my interactions with other people, I find myself thinking "no, its not that they're not interesting, its me." I'M the one that's boring. I am the one who is so hopelessly utterly boring, why would anyone want to spend time with me? I bore myself, so why wouldn't I bore other people as well?
I still felt alone. I told myself, I just needed to find love. I just needed someone to love me who I could love back. Then everything would be okay and life would be grand. For me, finding love has always been a priority. I truly don't understand other people who aren't searching for it. How can you not be? I wanted to find that perfect person, who would make the world a happy place.
But no one is perfect. I found someone to love, and I think I was simply so infatuated with the idea of love, I wanted to love so badly, that I jumped in headfirst without any hesitation. But did I really love? Could I really love? Am I even capable of love? No, what I really needed was someone to take care of me, someone to reassure me that I wasn't a terrible person. Someone to accept me for who I was. Someone to be good to me, and help my stop my self-destructive ways. And this person was good to me, and did care about me, and did love me, and did help me. But every single step of the way I tried to find ways to sabotage it. He couldn't possibly love me if I go abroad. He couldn't possibly love me if I like someone else. He couldn't possibly love me if I am miserably depressed. He couldn't possibly love me if I hate having sex, he couldn't possibly love me if I wished I were a man. And every step of the way I doubted him, and I tested him. How could he possibly love me. There was no way it was possible. None. Did I really love him? Or did I just need him. Was he just there, when I so desperately needed someone? Anyone? I simply needed to stop feeling so alone.
But I still felt alone.
I still feel alone.
I hate feeling alone.
I know I hurt people, and then I do feel intense guilt and remorse. Sometimes I feel like I just hurt everyone around me. I try to be a better person, but I just can't. I pretend to be a good person. But deep down I know that I'm not.
I am a horrible person, and no one can convince me otherwise.
I may regret posting this soon, but then again, I'm not even sure if anyone really reads this so it might not matter.
Current song: "Run" by Snow Patrol
I feel like I can't put my feelings into words. Words simply aren't powerful enough to describe how I am feeling.
Borderline Personality Disorder.
I now think I have that too.
Yes, in this journal I will reveal to you all of my flaws.
It's almost like I lead two lives. Multiple lives? People know me in very different ways. Sometimes I laugh at the people who think I'm such an intelligent, capable, funny, caring, happy person.
It's funny that even some of the people closest to me still don't really know me. Yes, I feel like I constantly hide a large part of who I am. I hide what I don't like about myself. I hide what I am ashamed of. I hide what I don't want people to see. Because ultimately I just want to be liked and accepted, and I have this terrible fear that if people really knew everything about me they wouldn't like me. But the funny thing is, even the few who do know almost, if not everything about me.. when they tell me they accept me for who I am, and that they like me for who I am, I simply don't believe it. I am convinced that they are lying to me, or perhaps just pitying me, or trying to be a good person by just being nice to me. How could they possibly like me? I don't like me. I hate me, and I have a hard time understanding certain differences in opinions.
Sometimes I'm so convinced that certain people couldn't possibly like me that I decide to dislike them first. I tell myself, "it's not that they don't like me, it's that I don't like them." I constantly push people away, I push and push and push and eventually they leave. Yes, they all leave, because ultimately we are all completely alone in this world. At the end of the day, we are alone with no one else but ourselves to fend for our self in this twisted world.
My biggest fear has always been to end up hopelessly alone. I hate being alone. I hate being alone because when you're alone you're just spending time with yourself, and I hate myself. Why would I want to spend time with myself? If I have to be by myself, I try as hard as I can to simply find distractions from myself. Either that, or I just go into a fit of self-loathing and wallowing in self-pity.
And the funny thing is, it doesn't matter how many people are there for me, it doesn't matter how many friends I have, or whether I'm in a relationship or not, I always feel alone. I know it doesn't make sense, but I just permanently feel empty and alone.
In high school I used to have a lot of friends, I was surrounded by people who cared for and admired me. I probably even had people who wanted to be me. I had it all. A loving, caring family, great friends, good grades, awesome at music, and I was nice. I remember thinking, I had my life on a silver platter, and I didn't want it. I wanted to just throw it away. I was still miserable. No, I wasn't permanently miserable. Of course I enjoyed spending time with friends, so much so that at a certain time in my life I simply stopped coming home because I was constantly with friends. Then my parents started thinking I hated them... I decided I needed to be more fun so I became reckless, I was daring, and I was fun. I drove like a maniac, and I constantly shoplifted, and there was even that time I picked up a random person off the street and let them spend the night at my house. But still, for some reason it simply wasn't enough. So I decided to go to Boston. Maybe somewhere new, somewhere different. Maybe there would be my answer.
And at first, college was difficult. I had to remember that good friends aren't instantly made, and so for a while I felt alone until I met people I really jived with. I came prepared with an increased dosage of antidepressants, and felt ready to face new challenges. I put myself out there, was friendly, sociable, and pretended to be happy, and don't get me wrong sometimes I was happy. And again, I had numerous people who liked me, but deep down I still felt like everyone disliked me. I still felt utterly alone.
I learned the joys of alcohol, and turned to alcohol to try and fill the unfillable emptiness I felt inside of me. And I loved it. I could just forget about my life. I could just pretend that everything was okay, and the world seemed like a better place. But, it also had its downsides. I would black out, and not know what I did. I ended up in the hospital. I don't even remember what the guy's face I lost my virginity to looked like. I can't count the number of people I hooked up with, pretending that they cared about me, hoping that they cared about me. I was self-destructive. I would obsess over people that I knew didn't like me back, but I would still pretend and hope. And then there were people who did like me, but I didn't want THAT. A relationship with a caring, good person? Why would I want that? Why would I deserve such a thing. No, these people liked me, I couldn't let them stop liking me. I couldn't let them get to know me for who I really was. I had this terrible fear that if people got to know me better, they would stop liking me. And I needed to be liked. I desperately needed to be accepted and liked.
I learned about the joys of weed. I loved how it slowed down my thoughts, and I could find staring at a wall so entertaining. With weed, I didn't hate being with myself as much. I didn't feel constantly bored, like I normally do. And to my fascination, if I combined weed WITH alcohol, then I could really escape reality and be in a completely different world. A different world where things didn't matter, and only the present mattered. A world where I could be happy.
Did I mention I feel constantly bored? Yes, I get bored easily, even by other people. So even though I have this need for other people, few people are actually cool enough, or entertaining enough for me. But then in many of my interactions with other people, I find myself thinking "no, its not that they're not interesting, its me." I'M the one that's boring. I am the one who is so hopelessly utterly boring, why would anyone want to spend time with me? I bore myself, so why wouldn't I bore other people as well?
I still felt alone. I told myself, I just needed to find love. I just needed someone to love me who I could love back. Then everything would be okay and life would be grand. For me, finding love has always been a priority. I truly don't understand other people who aren't searching for it. How can you not be? I wanted to find that perfect person, who would make the world a happy place.
But no one is perfect. I found someone to love, and I think I was simply so infatuated with the idea of love, I wanted to love so badly, that I jumped in headfirst without any hesitation. But did I really love? Could I really love? Am I even capable of love? No, what I really needed was someone to take care of me, someone to reassure me that I wasn't a terrible person. Someone to accept me for who I was. Someone to be good to me, and help my stop my self-destructive ways. And this person was good to me, and did care about me, and did love me, and did help me. But every single step of the way I tried to find ways to sabotage it. He couldn't possibly love me if I go abroad. He couldn't possibly love me if I like someone else. He couldn't possibly love me if I am miserably depressed. He couldn't possibly love me if I hate having sex, he couldn't possibly love me if I wished I were a man. And every step of the way I doubted him, and I tested him. How could he possibly love me. There was no way it was possible. None. Did I really love him? Or did I just need him. Was he just there, when I so desperately needed someone? Anyone? I simply needed to stop feeling so alone.
But I still felt alone.
I still feel alone.
I hate feeling alone.
I know I hurt people, and then I do feel intense guilt and remorse. Sometimes I feel like I just hurt everyone around me. I try to be a better person, but I just can't. I pretend to be a good person. But deep down I know that I'm not.
I am a horrible person, and no one can convince me otherwise.
I may regret posting this soon, but then again, I'm not even sure if anyone really reads this so it might not matter.
Current song: "Run" by Snow Patrol
Monday, March 8, 2010
Rollercoaster
I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster.
Last night, I was so happy and hyper, I didn't accomplish anything. I went outside, and RAN to jumbo to get snacks, for no real reason.
I tried watching a tv show and couldn't even focus enough to pay attention to the show.
Then I stayed up until 6, and even though I was tired I couldn't sleep. I'm thinking I need to invest in some benadryl or something soon... I accidentally left it at home.
I did not sleep well at all, and I think I woke up a million times. I felt terrible this morning. Absolutely terrible. I wanted to go back to sleep hoping that I would feel better later, but I couldn't sleep. I just kept thinking.
Repeating over and over again in my mind how much of a failure I am.
This morning..err afternoon, I knew it was nice outside, and yet I couldn't manage to make it outside to see the sun.
And then, I think I hit an ultimate low. I just started crying uncontrollably and didn't know why I was crying. I called Gali and just sat down on the grass right outside of Stratton crying. I had no idea why I was crying, but I just was.
Fortunately, Gali is a great friend and helped me get some dinner, since all I had eaten were sour patch kids and cookies all day. Maybe I should also invest in keeping some more nutritious food in my room as well.
I'm now at the library, feeling a little better, writing this entry.
I just spoke with Eric. I told him I'd really appreciate if he stopped making me feel like shit. To stop judging me, because he doesn't know what its like to be me. He said he couldn't help but judge me. I said I didn't think we should talk anymore because I only need positive people in my life right now and he is negatively affecting me emotionally. It just hurts to think that all those times he was "there" for me, all those times I confided in him, and he listened to me, he was really just judging me, thinking I was just a weak, pathetic, loser.
And maybe I am just a weak, pathetic, loser, but you don't need to fucking let me know you think that. I know I believe in being really honest, but believe it or not there is a gray area.
Last night, I was so happy and hyper, I didn't accomplish anything. I went outside, and RAN to jumbo to get snacks, for no real reason.
I tried watching a tv show and couldn't even focus enough to pay attention to the show.
Then I stayed up until 6, and even though I was tired I couldn't sleep. I'm thinking I need to invest in some benadryl or something soon... I accidentally left it at home.
I did not sleep well at all, and I think I woke up a million times. I felt terrible this morning. Absolutely terrible. I wanted to go back to sleep hoping that I would feel better later, but I couldn't sleep. I just kept thinking.
Repeating over and over again in my mind how much of a failure I am.
This morning..err afternoon, I knew it was nice outside, and yet I couldn't manage to make it outside to see the sun.
And then, I think I hit an ultimate low. I just started crying uncontrollably and didn't know why I was crying. I called Gali and just sat down on the grass right outside of Stratton crying. I had no idea why I was crying, but I just was.
Fortunately, Gali is a great friend and helped me get some dinner, since all I had eaten were sour patch kids and cookies all day. Maybe I should also invest in keeping some more nutritious food in my room as well.
I'm now at the library, feeling a little better, writing this entry.
I just spoke with Eric. I told him I'd really appreciate if he stopped making me feel like shit. To stop judging me, because he doesn't know what its like to be me. He said he couldn't help but judge me. I said I didn't think we should talk anymore because I only need positive people in my life right now and he is negatively affecting me emotionally. It just hurts to think that all those times he was "there" for me, all those times I confided in him, and he listened to me, he was really just judging me, thinking I was just a weak, pathetic, loser.
And maybe I am just a weak, pathetic, loser, but you don't need to fucking let me know you think that. I know I believe in being really honest, but believe it or not there is a gray area.
Here I go again.
And here I go again.
My head hurts.
I feel tired, and yet I can't sleep.
I feel slightly nauseous.
I have butterflies in my stomach.
Although I'm not actually crying, my body feels as though it were.
I feel like I'm being pulled apart, my pieces scattered on the floor.
I know the sun is outside, I know I should go sit outside or something, and yet all I want to do is sit here. Just sit here.
Escape.
I want to escape.
I have tons of work to do. I have a midterm tomorrow, and while a part of me knows I SHOULD care, and a part of me recognizes that I will probably be regretting my actions soon, at the moment I don't care at all. It all just seems so silly and pointless.
I just want to continue laying here in my bed, melting into my bed, being one with my bed. Sinking.
I had a list of things I was supposed to do today, and once again I know I'm supposed to care, but I just don't.
I'm eating cookies again, trying to fill the emptiness inside of me.
I feel disgusted with myself.
I'm being self-destructive. I'm ruining my own life, I'm watching myself do it, and yet I just can't seem to stop doing it. There is no one else to blame. No one else, except myself. I'm a masochist.
My heart hurts. Did you know that your heart can physically hurt? Well I'm telling you, it can.
Current song: "Lover I don't have to Love" - Bright Eyes
My head hurts.
I feel tired, and yet I can't sleep.
I feel slightly nauseous.
I have butterflies in my stomach.
Although I'm not actually crying, my body feels as though it were.
I feel like I'm being pulled apart, my pieces scattered on the floor.
I know the sun is outside, I know I should go sit outside or something, and yet all I want to do is sit here. Just sit here.
Escape.
I want to escape.
I have tons of work to do. I have a midterm tomorrow, and while a part of me knows I SHOULD care, and a part of me recognizes that I will probably be regretting my actions soon, at the moment I don't care at all. It all just seems so silly and pointless.
I just want to continue laying here in my bed, melting into my bed, being one with my bed. Sinking.
I had a list of things I was supposed to do today, and once again I know I'm supposed to care, but I just don't.
I'm eating cookies again, trying to fill the emptiness inside of me.
I feel disgusted with myself.
I'm being self-destructive. I'm ruining my own life, I'm watching myself do it, and yet I just can't seem to stop doing it. There is no one else to blame. No one else, except myself. I'm a masochist.
My heart hurts. Did you know that your heart can physically hurt? Well I'm telling you, it can.
Current song: "Lover I don't have to Love" - Bright Eyes
Sunday, March 7, 2010
in the library....
Can't focus can't focus can't focus can't focus..................... lalalalala..............................lalalala...........................lalalala............................lalalala.........................ahhhhhhhhh....................................yes I feel like I'm screaming in my head. It's screaming at me, yelling at me telling me to get a grip........................ and..... I just can't focus..... can't do anything I just want to run around in circles. run around in circles. maybe hop a few times, go run through a field, a field and look at the stars and go to the swing set........... and not write a paper. who cares about papers anyway? Why the fuck must I write a paper. It has so little meaning to me, so little impact on the bigger scheme of things... I just don't see why.... don't see why.... yet I know that I should, I know that I must, I musn't fuck things up again... no not again............. no not again..... no not again...... control control control control........... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh............ screaming in my head................ ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh........................... not really in my head... no im not hearing voices... its my own voice yelling at me, looking down on me, saying i'm pathetic, but I'm not pathetic, I'm fabulous... I'm just aware that papers are stupid. Papers are utterly stupid. So stupid. Super stupid. Superdy Duperdy stupid. Super super super mega super superdy duperdy mega really god damn fucking fuck fuck fucking stupid.
yes.
THAT stupid.
So why must I do stupid things?
THAT is the question
Why do people keep making me do things I don't wanna do!
I don't wanna write a paper!!
I wan't to eat banana chips and go on a merry go round.
Yes a merry go round. Remember how much fun those were as a kid. Why did they stop being fun for so many people?
They're STILL fun. If they're not fun to you that's just cause you are also stupid.
STUPID.
STUPID.....
I guess that's not a really nice word. I don't really mean it folks. Anyone who is reading this is clearly not stupid at all. You are all in fact quite fabulous. Very fabulous... so fabulous... so much more fabulous than this paper.... yes...
AHHHHHHHH..
yes... yes.... yess.....
perhaps I will submit this as my paper.
how about THAT.
no just kidding... I wouldn't do that. Don't worry folks... or maybe.. folks? who says folks anyway... other than the end of cartoons, yes I know you know what I'm talking about. I miss cartoons. They used to be so entertaining. I'm not sure if they still are or not, but I have a suspicion I wouldn't be quite as amused as I used to be.
hmmm.... paper.......... peace out cub scout. be the bomb diggity, shiznit, chillax,
why do I have the urge to go take down all of those pictures on the wall. yes I just want to smash them down. every single one of them.
hmmm... well at least Alex is being more productive because I'm here. I think he is anyway... he looks like he's being productive.
Productivity is so overrated anyway.
I'm so much more fun.
Fun is definitely underrated.
yes.
THAT stupid.
So why must I do stupid things?
THAT is the question
Why do people keep making me do things I don't wanna do!
I don't wanna write a paper!!
I wan't to eat banana chips and go on a merry go round.
Yes a merry go round. Remember how much fun those were as a kid. Why did they stop being fun for so many people?
They're STILL fun. If they're not fun to you that's just cause you are also stupid.
STUPID.
STUPID.....
I guess that's not a really nice word. I don't really mean it folks. Anyone who is reading this is clearly not stupid at all. You are all in fact quite fabulous. Very fabulous... so fabulous... so much more fabulous than this paper.... yes...
AHHHHHHHH..
yes... yes.... yess.....
perhaps I will submit this as my paper.
how about THAT.
no just kidding... I wouldn't do that. Don't worry folks... or maybe.. folks? who says folks anyway... other than the end of cartoons, yes I know you know what I'm talking about. I miss cartoons. They used to be so entertaining. I'm not sure if they still are or not, but I have a suspicion I wouldn't be quite as amused as I used to be.
hmmm.... paper.......... peace out cub scout. be the bomb diggity, shiznit, chillax,
why do I have the urge to go take down all of those pictures on the wall. yes I just want to smash them down. every single one of them.
hmmm... well at least Alex is being more productive because I'm here. I think he is anyway... he looks like he's being productive.
Productivity is so overrated anyway.
I'm so much more fun.
Fun is definitely underrated.
So Over it.
I'm so over you making me feel like shit.
I'm so over caring.
You refuse to believe me.
You pretend to know me better than I do.
Because you think you know everything.
You think you're so much better and it disgusts me.
I'm so over you making me feel like a bad person when I'm not.
I'm done letting other people affect me so much.
Current Song: "Big Sur" by The Thrills
I'm so over caring.
You refuse to believe me.
You pretend to know me better than I do.
Because you think you know everything.
You think you're so much better and it disgusts me.
I'm so over you making me feel like a bad person when I'm not.
I'm done letting other people affect me so much.
Current Song: "Big Sur" by The Thrills
Like shooting stars!
My eyes hurt. I suppose that's really the main indication that I'm tired... my eyes just start getting heavy and its hard for me to keep them open..... but I really don't want to go to sleep. Going to sleep means tomorrow has arrived. I don't want it to be tomorrow. I don't want time to keep passsing. I don't want to do all of the things I have to do.
I wish the good moments didn't have to end. Why does everything have to end?
I just want to lay here... and keep listening to the song "Operate" by Peaches on repeat....
I wish I had a camera... because I think I look dead sexy right now.... but maybe its just the raspberry vodka goggles talking. haha, does that even happen that way on yourself? It's weird... I swear I'm the same person but I feel like sometimes I look amazing... and sometimes I look like shit. I think its the same in photos of me. Sometimes I look like a completely different person. Maybe that happens to everyone though? Is it weird to be attracted to yourself? I'm definitely attracted to myself right now... gosh... that just sounds weird.
I need to get rid of this mirror in my room.
These are someone else's personal accounts of both depression and hypomania... they seem pretty accurate to how I feel sometimes.
Depression:
"I doubt completely my ability to do anything well. It seems as though my mind has slowed down and burned out to the point of being virtually useless. I am haunted with the desperate hopelessness of it all. Others say, "It's only temporary, it will pass, you will get over it," but of course they haven't any idea of how I feel, although they are certain they do. If I can't feel, move, think, or care, then what on earth is the point?"
Hypomania:
"At first when I'm high, it's tremendous...ideas are fast...like shooting stars you follow until brighter ones appear...all shyness disappears, the right words and gestures are suddenly there...uninteresting people, things, become intensely interesting. Sensuality is pervasive, the desire to seduce and be seduced is irresistible. Your marrow is infused with unbelievable feelings of ease, power, well-being, omnipotence, euphoria...you can do anything...but, somewhere this changes."
Okay... I finally changed songs... now I keep listening to "Kennedy" by Kill Hannah
In Child Development classes we learn about how young kids are very egocentric.. and have a difficult time understanding other people's points of view...
I wonder if that means I never fully developed... because there are a lot of things I just don't understand about other people.
I have a difficult time understanding how sometimes people simply don't enjoy the same music I enjoy. How can they not? It's fabulous... that goes for many things other than music... like food, people, movies, humor.. etc.
Now I'm listening to "Post Blue" by Placebo
Yes, I'm definitely in a bizarre mood right now... and I don't know why I feel it so necessary to keep announcing the names of the songs I'm listening to... it's really because I just think they're so fabulous at the moment....
Did you know that the word bizarre is one of the few words in the English language that comes from Basque origin.
And the final song I will leave you with is "Where is my mind" by Placebo
ok. enough. Here is another Calvin and Hobbes quote. Yes, Calvin and Hobbes is my hero.
"I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness." - Calvin and Hobbes
I wish the good moments didn't have to end. Why does everything have to end?
I just want to lay here... and keep listening to the song "Operate" by Peaches on repeat....
I wish I had a camera... because I think I look dead sexy right now.... but maybe its just the raspberry vodka goggles talking. haha, does that even happen that way on yourself? It's weird... I swear I'm the same person but I feel like sometimes I look amazing... and sometimes I look like shit. I think its the same in photos of me. Sometimes I look like a completely different person. Maybe that happens to everyone though? Is it weird to be attracted to yourself? I'm definitely attracted to myself right now... gosh... that just sounds weird.
I need to get rid of this mirror in my room.
These are someone else's personal accounts of both depression and hypomania... they seem pretty accurate to how I feel sometimes.
Depression:
"I doubt completely my ability to do anything well. It seems as though my mind has slowed down and burned out to the point of being virtually useless. I am haunted with the desperate hopelessness of it all. Others say, "It's only temporary, it will pass, you will get over it," but of course they haven't any idea of how I feel, although they are certain they do. If I can't feel, move, think, or care, then what on earth is the point?"
Hypomania:
"At first when I'm high, it's tremendous...ideas are fast...like shooting stars you follow until brighter ones appear...all shyness disappears, the right words and gestures are suddenly there...uninteresting people, things, become intensely interesting. Sensuality is pervasive, the desire to seduce and be seduced is irresistible. Your marrow is infused with unbelievable feelings of ease, power, well-being, omnipotence, euphoria...you can do anything...but, somewhere this changes."
Okay... I finally changed songs... now I keep listening to "Kennedy" by Kill Hannah
In Child Development classes we learn about how young kids are very egocentric.. and have a difficult time understanding other people's points of view...
I wonder if that means I never fully developed... because there are a lot of things I just don't understand about other people.
I have a difficult time understanding how sometimes people simply don't enjoy the same music I enjoy. How can they not? It's fabulous... that goes for many things other than music... like food, people, movies, humor.. etc.
Now I'm listening to "Post Blue" by Placebo
Yes, I'm definitely in a bizarre mood right now... and I don't know why I feel it so necessary to keep announcing the names of the songs I'm listening to... it's really because I just think they're so fabulous at the moment....
Did you know that the word bizarre is one of the few words in the English language that comes from Basque origin.
And the final song I will leave you with is "Where is my mind" by Placebo
ok. enough. Here is another Calvin and Hobbes quote. Yes, Calvin and Hobbes is my hero.
"I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness." - Calvin and Hobbes
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Pretending to do work
My textbook just said:
"With age, children's attention changes in another way: It becomes more planful."
Planful?? Since when is planful a word?? I just had to look it up in the dictionary to make sure I hadn't missed out on such an awesome word such as "planful."
Silly textbook, planful is in fact NOT a word.
Why am I drinking coffee when I don't even like coffee?
And now back to pretending to do work....
"If people could put rainbows in zoos, they'd do it." - Calvin and Hobbes
"With age, children's attention changes in another way: It becomes more planful."
Planful?? Since when is planful a word?? I just had to look it up in the dictionary to make sure I hadn't missed out on such an awesome word such as "planful."
Silly textbook, planful is in fact NOT a word.
Why am I drinking coffee when I don't even like coffee?
And now back to pretending to do work....
"If people could put rainbows in zoos, they'd do it." - Calvin and Hobbes
Friday, March 5, 2010
So zen
I swear I do my best thinking in the shower. It's like somehow the rhythm and sound of the water can regulate the speed of my thoughts.
It's so zen.
I'm going to try and intersperse my journal with at least a few happier entries.
It's the weekend so woohoo!
umm...
"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us" - Calvin and Hobbes
It's so zen.
I'm going to try and intersperse my journal with at least a few happier entries.
It's the weekend so woohoo!
umm...
"Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us" - Calvin and Hobbes
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Character Flaw
I keep over-analyzing myself.
I am convinced that I will soon be diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder, which consists of hypomanic episodes instead of full blown mania. From my research, hypomanic episodes can have some symptoms similar to adhd such as inability to focus and racing thoughts, which I have definitely experienced. Also in my research, apparently bipolar disorder can be misdiagnosed for a long time as just depression, because mild manic episodes may go unnoticed, and are just not as frequent many times. Apparently there are many triggers to manic episodes, including, drugs and alcohol, stress, sleep deprivation, and antidepressants. I think perhaps the Cymbalta may have instigated a hypomanic episode, which is why I felt "too" happy and then got super depressed again, and lately my moods are just all over the place. I think I cry just about every day lately. I feel so out of control.
But hopefully this will all be sorted out soon, I went to a counselor this week, and I'm going to start going to a psychiatrist here at Tufts as well. I just really hope I don't fail out of school in the mean time...
I hate how some of the people closest to me (mainly one person) always always always minimizes anything that I am going through, and always has to chime in that somehow what they are going through is worse. I also hate how I feel like I really don't have anybody I can talk to that understands me. It's funny, I try so hard to lend an open ear to everyone else. I try so hard to be there for people when they need it. Yet when I need someone I feel like no one is there. Sometimes I even try to flat out tell people how bad things are going and it just feels like everyone is too preoccupied in themselves to ever notice or care how I'm doing.
I guess Eric was really the one person that I could tell everything to. Even if I knew I was annoying him, and he would never say anything, he would at least listen and I knew I could call at any time if necessary. I wanted to know what his opinion was on whether or not I might be bipolar. I wanted to know if he thought I was just over-analyzing things again and getting way ahead of myself. I wanted to know his opinion, simply because I know he knows me fairly well, and I value what he thinks.
He responded by telling me he doesn't believe in depression. That depression is just a mental thing.
I'm like yeh... well of course its a "mental" thing. I'm like what do you mean, that its not a neurochemical imbalance?
He was like, I just think you need more discipline and that depression is just a character flaw.
Tears just started falling. I had nothing to say. I felt dumbfounded. I knew he used to think that about depression, but how could he still think that after being with me for so long? How could he still think that its just all in my head, and that I could control it if I just tried harder. I am trying dammit. I AM FUCKING TRYING. I wasn't always this way. I know something is wrong with me. That much I am certain of.
It just hurts.
I just feel alone. I feel alone and like no one understands me.
Did I mention I have a 6-8 page paper to write for tomorrow and statistics homework to finish? Yeh... maybe I can start that once I stop crying.
I am convinced that I will soon be diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder, which consists of hypomanic episodes instead of full blown mania. From my research, hypomanic episodes can have some symptoms similar to adhd such as inability to focus and racing thoughts, which I have definitely experienced. Also in my research, apparently bipolar disorder can be misdiagnosed for a long time as just depression, because mild manic episodes may go unnoticed, and are just not as frequent many times. Apparently there are many triggers to manic episodes, including, drugs and alcohol, stress, sleep deprivation, and antidepressants. I think perhaps the Cymbalta may have instigated a hypomanic episode, which is why I felt "too" happy and then got super depressed again, and lately my moods are just all over the place. I think I cry just about every day lately. I feel so out of control.
But hopefully this will all be sorted out soon, I went to a counselor this week, and I'm going to start going to a psychiatrist here at Tufts as well. I just really hope I don't fail out of school in the mean time...
I hate how some of the people closest to me (mainly one person) always always always minimizes anything that I am going through, and always has to chime in that somehow what they are going through is worse. I also hate how I feel like I really don't have anybody I can talk to that understands me. It's funny, I try so hard to lend an open ear to everyone else. I try so hard to be there for people when they need it. Yet when I need someone I feel like no one is there. Sometimes I even try to flat out tell people how bad things are going and it just feels like everyone is too preoccupied in themselves to ever notice or care how I'm doing.
I guess Eric was really the one person that I could tell everything to. Even if I knew I was annoying him, and he would never say anything, he would at least listen and I knew I could call at any time if necessary. I wanted to know what his opinion was on whether or not I might be bipolar. I wanted to know if he thought I was just over-analyzing things again and getting way ahead of myself. I wanted to know his opinion, simply because I know he knows me fairly well, and I value what he thinks.
He responded by telling me he doesn't believe in depression. That depression is just a mental thing.
I'm like yeh... well of course its a "mental" thing. I'm like what do you mean, that its not a neurochemical imbalance?
He was like, I just think you need more discipline and that depression is just a character flaw.
Tears just started falling. I had nothing to say. I felt dumbfounded. I knew he used to think that about depression, but how could he still think that after being with me for so long? How could he still think that its just all in my head, and that I could control it if I just tried harder. I am trying dammit. I AM FUCKING TRYING. I wasn't always this way. I know something is wrong with me. That much I am certain of.
It just hurts.
I just feel alone. I feel alone and like no one understands me.
Did I mention I have a 6-8 page paper to write for tomorrow and statistics homework to finish? Yeh... maybe I can start that once I stop crying.
Purpose
I can't focus. I've been trying to do my homework now for the past 2.5 hours. I have three sentences of my essay written so far...
My brain is kind of scattered so this won't be too long of a post.
Basically today went from being shitty... I slept through my third yoga class. If I miss more than 3 yoga classes I fail. I truly pray that I don't fail yoga. How pathetic would that be.
Then I went to observe a child, and I ran into Lucy and I met her mother and her mother said that Lucy adored me. I was in a really good mood after that. Then I went back to my room and procrastinated online... and then I went to the senior dinner and was in a fairly good mood... then I went to dinner and was in a super excited super good mood. Then somewhere along the way I got into a really depressed mood... and now I'm okay again.
I feel like my emotions are just absolutely crazy lately. I feel like I have no control over them. No control whatsoever.
I think I have figured out one of my problems. My problem is that I feel like I don't have meaning or purpose in life.
I will expand more later.
My brain is kind of scattered so this won't be too long of a post.
Basically today went from being shitty... I slept through my third yoga class. If I miss more than 3 yoga classes I fail. I truly pray that I don't fail yoga. How pathetic would that be.
Then I went to observe a child, and I ran into Lucy and I met her mother and her mother said that Lucy adored me. I was in a really good mood after that. Then I went back to my room and procrastinated online... and then I went to the senior dinner and was in a fairly good mood... then I went to dinner and was in a super excited super good mood. Then somewhere along the way I got into a really depressed mood... and now I'm okay again.
I feel like my emotions are just absolutely crazy lately. I feel like I have no control over them. No control whatsoever.
I think I have figured out one of my problems. My problem is that I feel like I don't have meaning or purpose in life.
I will expand more later.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Melancholic Music
In my Psychology of Music class last year we talked about the different reasons people listen to certain types of music. Someone in the class didn't understand why anyone could want to listen to sad, melancholic music. Everyone in the class seemed to agree, and I wasn't in the mood to explain that I like to listen to depressing music when I'm depressed.... I tend to like music that mimics the mood I'm in. Perhaps this is why I like such a large variety of music. Perhaps this is also why I'm not a huge fan of heavy metal. I'm rarely in such a passionately hateful state of mind. And not a huge fan of most rap... unless it somehow has a melody. I listen to music for the tune not the words. Many times I don't even listen to the words. I could have heard a song a million times and still have no idea what its actually saying. For me, if a song is good, and has good lyrics that's just the cherry on top. Although sometimes lyrics can be so atrocious as to mess up a very good melody... and that just really upsets me. But anyway, listening to depressing music while I'm upset makes me feel like I'm not the only one feeling that way. Someone else has felt that way, and the music just gets me. Besides listening to super happy music while upset is just obnoxious. The same way that someone being super hyper and loud when you have just woken up is obnoxious.
Monday, March 1, 2010
I just don't know.
I feel trapped. I feel like I'm in an empty room and I could scream and scream as loud as I want and no one hears me.
I have been laying in my bed all day, wallowing in self pity. I feel utterly disgusted with myself. The only thing I have eaten thus far is a pepperidge farm chocolate caramel cookie. I don't even want them anymore. My mouth feels gross, and they aren't sitting well in my stomach but for some reason I just keep eating them, as if eating a cookie was going to make everything better.
I feel like I'm a burden. Like I'm just annoying everyone. I'm trying hard not to. I just don't even know what to do with myself. I feel like I'm a waste of space, just sucking the life energy around anyone and everyone around me. I can only pretend to be happy for so much longer. Sometimes I'm not pretending, sometimes I feel I really am, but there are very few moments where I think "this moment is perfect, there isn't anywhere I'd rather be or anything I'd rather do, I am completely content just where I am doing what I'm doing." Lately it feels like the time is my biggest enemy. Every time I look at the clock my stomach drops, I know that time just keeps passing and I just keep wasting it. Life just keeps going and moving forward and I'm stuck. I can't keep up with it. I keep waiting for something to happen. Something to change. Some kind of answer.
I just don't know.
I just don't know.
I have been laying in my bed all day, wallowing in self pity. I feel utterly disgusted with myself. The only thing I have eaten thus far is a pepperidge farm chocolate caramel cookie. I don't even want them anymore. My mouth feels gross, and they aren't sitting well in my stomach but for some reason I just keep eating them, as if eating a cookie was going to make everything better.
I feel like I'm a burden. Like I'm just annoying everyone. I'm trying hard not to. I just don't even know what to do with myself. I feel like I'm a waste of space, just sucking the life energy around anyone and everyone around me. I can only pretend to be happy for so much longer. Sometimes I'm not pretending, sometimes I feel I really am, but there are very few moments where I think "this moment is perfect, there isn't anywhere I'd rather be or anything I'd rather do, I am completely content just where I am doing what I'm doing." Lately it feels like the time is my biggest enemy. Every time I look at the clock my stomach drops, I know that time just keeps passing and I just keep wasting it. Life just keeps going and moving forward and I'm stuck. I can't keep up with it. I keep waiting for something to happen. Something to change. Some kind of answer.
I just don't know.
I just don't know.
Crashing
I'm starting to wonder if starting this journal was really such a great idea. I mean sure its cathartic to write, but its also giving me another way to escape reality. Another way to escape all of the things I should be doing. I am crashing again. Eric seems to think that I seem to crash at around the times when my medication would start wearing off. I don't know though, because I was pretty sure that these types of medications don't work quite like that. I tend to crash either at night or in the morning. I think it might just be that that's when I'm alone again. I don't have any more distractions, and all I am left with are my own thoughts.
My own thoughts are my own worst enemy. I know that sometimes I am not thinking rationally, I am completely aware of it and yet I just can't stop thinking in that way. Lately I have just become completely paranoid again that everyone either hates me or dislikes me. I know that I'm just being irrational and over-analyzing things again, but I just can't make it stop.
I also think that I should probably stop drinking and getting high that much. Not that I do it that much in the first place. But I've just noticed that the past few times I feel great at first, and then once I get back to my room or something I crash doubly hard.
I'm starting to think I'm becoming bipolar. But I also started thinking I have ADD... and OCD... and maybe I'm just being a hypochondriac, and see I can think rationally and realize that its silly to think that I have all of these disorders, and yet I still think it. I think really, its just that I know that something is wrong with me. I know that I'm not doing well, and I'm not convinced that just saying I struggle with depression is the whole story. Or maybe it is the whole story and I just haven't gotten proper treatment. I literally do feel like I'm going crazy though. Like there's a big black hole and I'm dancing around it about to accidentally trip and fall in. Yes, I made up that metaphorical babble on the spot.
I called counseling services today to schedule an appointment. They told me they didn't have something open until next week. I was just like, "is it possible for me to see someone sooner?" And then the lady asked me if it was "urgent." Urgent? I don't know, its hard to say. I mean I'm not suicidal at the moment... what constitutes urgent anyway? I'm not hallucinating... but I am also not doing well at all. So I just kind of explained to her my situation and she said that she could squeeze me in tomorrow. I really hope this helps, because honestly I have very little faith in counselors, but I'm going to give it another shot....
I was also supposed to go observe a child today at 1PM. I didn't go. I did not go to sleep very late, and yet I still couldn't wake up at 12:30 PM. I felt absolutely completely miserable. I remember feeling this way my sophomore year. I would just wake up, and hate reality, and I would just go back to sleep so I could escape it all, and maybe the next time I woke up I would feel better and be ready to deal with it. Things are just so much better in my dream world, and sometimes I wish that reality was the dream, and that I would soon just wake up and realize it was all just a dream, and not the true reality. I mean during dreams, I never realize that they are dreams until afterward. So maybe this is just a dream, and since I'm currently in it I just don't realize it. It reminds me of Eric's idea that when we die its really just like waking up from a dream. I don't know if I believe that, but its still a nifty idea.
I am going to go now. Perhaps I can get something productive done now.
My own thoughts are my own worst enemy. I know that sometimes I am not thinking rationally, I am completely aware of it and yet I just can't stop thinking in that way. Lately I have just become completely paranoid again that everyone either hates me or dislikes me. I know that I'm just being irrational and over-analyzing things again, but I just can't make it stop.
I also think that I should probably stop drinking and getting high that much. Not that I do it that much in the first place. But I've just noticed that the past few times I feel great at first, and then once I get back to my room or something I crash doubly hard.
I'm starting to think I'm becoming bipolar. But I also started thinking I have ADD... and OCD... and maybe I'm just being a hypochondriac, and see I can think rationally and realize that its silly to think that I have all of these disorders, and yet I still think it. I think really, its just that I know that something is wrong with me. I know that I'm not doing well, and I'm not convinced that just saying I struggle with depression is the whole story. Or maybe it is the whole story and I just haven't gotten proper treatment. I literally do feel like I'm going crazy though. Like there's a big black hole and I'm dancing around it about to accidentally trip and fall in. Yes, I made up that metaphorical babble on the spot.
I called counseling services today to schedule an appointment. They told me they didn't have something open until next week. I was just like, "is it possible for me to see someone sooner?" And then the lady asked me if it was "urgent." Urgent? I don't know, its hard to say. I mean I'm not suicidal at the moment... what constitutes urgent anyway? I'm not hallucinating... but I am also not doing well at all. So I just kind of explained to her my situation and she said that she could squeeze me in tomorrow. I really hope this helps, because honestly I have very little faith in counselors, but I'm going to give it another shot....
I was also supposed to go observe a child today at 1PM. I didn't go. I did not go to sleep very late, and yet I still couldn't wake up at 12:30 PM. I felt absolutely completely miserable. I remember feeling this way my sophomore year. I would just wake up, and hate reality, and I would just go back to sleep so I could escape it all, and maybe the next time I woke up I would feel better and be ready to deal with it. Things are just so much better in my dream world, and sometimes I wish that reality was the dream, and that I would soon just wake up and realize it was all just a dream, and not the true reality. I mean during dreams, I never realize that they are dreams until afterward. So maybe this is just a dream, and since I'm currently in it I just don't realize it. It reminds me of Eric's idea that when we die its really just like waking up from a dream. I don't know if I believe that, but its still a nifty idea.
I am going to go now. Perhaps I can get something productive done now.
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