Crashing

I'm starting to wonder if starting this journal was really such a great idea. I mean sure its cathartic to write, but its also giving me another way to escape reality. Another way to escape all of the things I should be doing. I am crashing again. Eric seems to think that I seem to crash at around the times when my medication would start wearing off. I don't know though, because I was pretty sure that these types of medications don't work quite like that. I tend to crash either at night or in the morning. I think it might just be that that's when I'm alone again. I don't have any more distractions, and all I am left with are my own thoughts.

My own thoughts are my own worst enemy. I know that sometimes I am not thinking rationally, I am completely aware of it and yet I just can't stop thinking in that way. Lately I have just become completely paranoid again that everyone either hates me or dislikes me. I know that I'm just being irrational and over-analyzing things again, but I just can't make it stop.

I also think that I should probably stop drinking and getting high that much. Not that I do it that much in the first place. But I've just noticed that the past few times I feel great at first, and then once I get back to my room or something I crash doubly hard.

I'm starting to think I'm becoming bipolar. But I also started thinking I have ADD... and OCD... and maybe I'm just being a hypochondriac, and see I can think rationally and realize that its silly to think that I have all of these disorders, and yet I still think it. I think really, its just that I know that something is wrong with me. I know that I'm not doing well, and I'm not convinced that just saying I struggle with depression is the whole story. Or maybe it is the whole story and I just haven't gotten proper treatment. I literally do feel like I'm going crazy though. Like there's a big black hole and I'm dancing around it about to accidentally trip and fall in. Yes, I made up that metaphorical babble on the spot.

I called counseling services today to schedule an appointment. They told me they didn't have something open until next week. I was just like, "is it possible for me to see someone sooner?" And then the lady asked me if it was "urgent." Urgent? I don't know, its hard to say. I mean I'm not suicidal at the moment... what constitutes urgent anyway? I'm not hallucinating... but I am also not doing well at all. So I just kind of explained to her my situation and she said that she could squeeze me in tomorrow. I really hope this helps, because honestly I have very little faith in counselors, but I'm going to give it another shot....

I was also supposed to go observe a child today at 1PM. I didn't go. I did not go to sleep very late, and yet I still couldn't wake up at 12:30 PM. I felt absolutely completely miserable. I remember feeling this way my sophomore year. I would just wake up, and hate reality, and I would just go back to sleep so I could escape it all, and maybe the next time I woke up I would feel better and be ready to deal with it. Things are just so much better in my dream world, and sometimes I wish that reality was the dream, and that I would soon just wake up and realize it was all just a dream, and not the true reality. I mean during dreams, I never realize that they are dreams until afterward. So maybe this is just a dream, and since I'm currently in it I just don't realize it. It reminds me of Eric's idea that when we die its really just like waking up from a dream. I don't know if I believe that, but its still a nifty idea.

I am going to go now. Perhaps I can get something productive done now.