Rollercoaster

I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster.

Last night, I was so happy and hyper, I didn't accomplish anything. I went outside, and RAN to jumbo to get snacks, for no real reason.

I tried watching a tv show and couldn't even focus enough to pay attention to the show.

Then I stayed up until 6, and even though I was tired I couldn't sleep. I'm thinking I need to invest in some benadryl or something soon... I accidentally left it at home.

I did not sleep well at all, and I think I woke up a million times. I felt terrible this morning. Absolutely terrible. I wanted to go back to sleep hoping that I would feel better later, but I couldn't sleep. I just kept thinking.

Repeating over and over again in my mind how much of a failure I am.

This morning..err afternoon, I knew it was nice outside, and yet I couldn't manage to make it outside to see the sun.

And then, I think I hit an ultimate low. I just started crying uncontrollably and didn't know why I was crying. I called Gali and just sat down on the grass right outside of Stratton crying. I had no idea why I was crying, but I just was.

Fortunately, Gali is a great friend and helped me get some dinner, since all I had eaten were sour patch kids and cookies all day. Maybe I should also invest in keeping some more nutritious food in my room as well.

I'm now at the library, feeling a little better, writing this entry.

I just spoke with Eric. I told him I'd really appreciate if he stopped making me feel like shit. To stop judging me, because he doesn't know what its like to be me. He said he couldn't help but judge me. I said I didn't think we should talk anymore because I only need positive people in my life right now and he is negatively affecting me emotionally. It just hurts to think that all those times he was "there" for me, all those times I confided in him, and he listened to me, he was really just judging me, thinking I was just a weak, pathetic, loser.

And maybe I am just a weak, pathetic, loser, but you don't need to fucking let me know you think that. I know I believe in being really honest, but believe it or not there is a gray area.