its raining fucking hard

So.. I'm trying really really hard to start writing again. I mean I keep THINKING about writing, and I always think of all these things I want to say.. but then I just don't. It's almost like I have TOO much to say, and I know I'll never get around to saying everything that I want to say so instead I just don't say anything at all. I started re-reading my old journal entries, and most of them are super depressing... Whatever.... this snippet was rather entertaining however:

"After my 9:30 class I walked over to Dowling. I am always a fan of shortcuts, so I decided to go across the snow rather than staying on the nice pathway. I soon realized what a bad idea this was as the snow was really a big sheet of ice and I fell on my ass. I couldn't stand back up, so I just pushed myself along on my ass until I reached the road. This guy was staring at me and laughing hysterically."

Anyway.... today kinda sucked. I woke up.. decided to miss my 9am class even though I have an exam for it next week... Then I woke up again at 12 and decided to sleep through physical therapy. I just don't understand why I am so tired. I mean I went to sleep around 1:30... I should have been well rested enough to make it to physical therapy. But I just couldn't. I felt like I had a ton of bricks on top of me. Ugh. I was so optimistic about Cymbalta. It really was helping so much, and now I just feel like it stopped working. However, I do feel better overall I guess... at least there are moments where I am doing okay. I thrive off of the energy of other people, and I'm definitely not nearly as socially anxious as I was. Now I usually find myself in my room bored... wanting to hang out with people but with no one to hang out with. What happened to late night study parties?! What happened to just wandering around Dewick for hours and hours?

It's been raining nonstop all day today and yesterday. A part of me hates the rain and I want it to go away. Another part of me loves it. It's fairly warm outside and I'm fairly tempted to go for a run outside, and just feel the rain hitting my skin and just not give a damn about anything. I feel like it would just be so refreshing. I just want to run and run and run until I'm so exhausted that I just fall to the ground. By that point, the ground will probably be pretty muddy since its been raining so much. And I can just lay down in the mushy ground and feel the rain seeping into my every pore. I can roll around in the mud and be filthy and not give a damn. I would also love to make out with someone in the rain. Instead I think I'll just sit inside my room and be annoyed.

Annoyed at the world. Someone bailed on me for dinner tonight. We had been trying to get dinner together for like the past two weeks or so. I was planning on going to a movie screening, but I decided that it wasn't that important. So I put MY plans aside so that we could finally get dinner. 7:30 rolls around, which was when we had planned, and nothing... 7:45 rolls around, and I decide to call to see whats up. "Oh I got hungry so I already ate... I'm really sorry..." Really? Really? wtf. As if I didn't have anything better to do except wait around to get dinner. You could have at least called... so I could make my other plans... but I had to call. The worst part about it is that I pretended like everything was fine. I tried so hard to pretend like it didn't matter, and like it wasn't a big deal. Why? I really don't know. I mean truly... he should know how uncool that was... I'm so just... whatever right now.

Then I actually get all motivated (which I really haven't been lately at all) and go to the library. I'm feeling all sorts of energized and ready to do work... and then... the blackboard site is down. On the one hand... its gives me an excuse to not do work... on the other hand.. I was actually finally motivated to do work... and its due tomorrow. It just better work before tomorrow because I doubt that excuse will fly since we've had about 2 weeks now to get this done. Yes I am a huge procrastinator.

Today I went to see Lucy. For the past year I have been going once a week to the Tufts Educational Day Care center to play with a 6 year old girl named Lucy who has high-functioning autism. She is really starting to show how much she cares about me and I think its truly going to break my heart. She made me two drawings today, and when I tried to leave she really really didn't want me to leave. She just kept giving me hugs and told me she would miss me. She also invited me over to her house to play.... ugh. I'm okay saying bye when I know that I'll just see her the next week, but I think I might cry at the end of this year when I know I won't be seeing her anymore. This has really been such a great experience for me. I have learned so much, and I feel like I just get her. I understand her quirks, and why she does the things she does when no one else seems to.

I love children. They're so much more sincere, and honest, and true to themselves than adults are. There is so much less bullshit.

I just feel like I'm trying so hard.. and I just don't know how much more I can try.

I need to start going to the gym again, and work out all of my frustrations. Anyone wanna go with me?

I'm going to binge on some swedish fish and sour patch kids now and watch some grey's anatomy and private practice....

Later