Identity

I think I might just be pansexual and genderqueer.
Take THAT.

After my last post about how I like to analyze things, I will let you know that I spend an inordinate amount of time analyzing myself, life and my place in life.

I think this is why I have always been attracted to psychology. Psychology feeds into my obsession in trying to better understand myself and those around me. I truly am fascinated by humans (and some animals such as my cat as well).

Sometimes I think I spend a bit too much time simply observing my own life as opposed to actually being in the present moment and living it. I try to just "be" more often but its a daily challenge.

I also have this tendency to think that I am crazy, but what does crazy mean anyway? and aren't we all a bit crazy? I mean really, anything that is crazy is really just not the norm, and yes I have picked up on the fact that I am not like everyone else. But not everyone else is like each other either. Sometimes I wish that we could all be more honest with ourselves and about ourselves. Its like we live in this world all hiding behind different facades. Depending who we are around we may show or hide different facets of ourselves or may even lie about who we really are. Does this stem from our own insecurities? Does this stem from other people's judgmental nature? Those people closest to us have broken down many of our facades and we are able to be our truest selves around them. Don't pretend you never hide behind a facade, because we all do it. We all act at least slightly differently depending who we are around. We always try to put our best self forward at a job interview or on a first date. It's just the way we are. We all want to be accepted, and many times its better to be accepted under a facade than to show our truest self and not be accepted at all.

I always find it very refreshing and admirable when someone just puts themselves out there. I am working on being more honest with myself and with others. This is also a work in progress.

But back to my identity.

I have never been a huge fan of labels and boxes simply because I never really felt I fit into them. But I understand that many times labels do serve a purpose and in my desire to understand myself I have always been searching for those labels and boxes that I fit into. I understand that some of you may be thinking, forget the labels and just be happy without them. However for me, this search for labels simply stems from a desire to better understand myself and the usage of words and labels can sometimes help.

From the identities I have mentioned, I suppose my sexuality was the first to be brought into question. I first rhought fell in love with a girl when I was 12 years old. Now many of you may be thinking, 12!! that's so young! and I suppose it is, but it was still a very real experience for me that I would never try to discredit simply because of my young age. Besides, girls mature at a younger age than boys do. =) This relationship lasted over a year and continued throughout most of my freshman year of high school. I learned what it was like to live while hiding a huge part of who you are. I felt like my life was one big secret, and well it was. We were going against odds to be with each other. We made up code words so we could tell each other we loved each other without other people finding out. We were obsessive. We wrote millions of letters to each other, and talked on the phone with each other, and made up just about any excuse we could to be with each other. To almost everyone else we were just "best friends." We learned how to be stealth and how to lie. It truly was, great fun. Until my mom forbade me to hang out with her or even talk to her because she realized that she was a lesbian and thought that she was trying to "seduce me." I locked myself in my room and lit every candle I owned (and I owned a lot back then) and just lay in bed being miserable and melodramatic. Another time I was spending the night at my girlfriends house, and we were upstairs watching a movie and cuddling with each other and her mother walked in on us. I still remember her look of horror. She told me to get in the car and started driving me home. She started blaming me for everything. How could I have done this to her daughter? Her daughter was "fine" and "normal" before me. Somehow I had changed her. I was at fault for everything. But really, these challenges only brought us closer together. It wasn't until later that I fell out of love, and I realized that you can never foresee the future. We started fighting more and she became very possessive. I just stopped feeling it. I began to have trust issues with myself. ]

Now I understand that people change. I change and will continue to change. Sometimes it scares me, but it is also part of what makes life interesting. It is also part of the reason why I am scared to get a tattoo. I fear that I could love it now, but then later hate it.

So I went from assuming I was straight, to thinking I must be a lesbian.

I felt completely and utterly alone. I had shut out most of my friends in my life to be in this obsessive relationship. Most of the mutual friends that my ex-girlfriend and I had all took her side, and ostracized me for being such a horrible person to her. How could I have just broken her heart like that? I got incredibly depressed, and began my journey of various antidepressants and therapists, which I may address in another entry.

I became focused on myself, and on rebuilding my life. On making new friends, and trying hard in school. I escaped frequently into my music, because sometimes I felt that I could express my emotions through my music so much better than I could with my words.

After this however, I found myself being attracted to boys. So I determined I must be bisexual. After my first relationship, I was adamant that I would not be so obsessive, and have a nice balance of friends, self, and relationship. My next relationship, or perhaps more "learning experience" lasted about one month. I was exploring new territory. Boys were so mysterious and confusing to me. I also struggled with the non-secrecy. The first time he tried to hold my hand in public, I quickly moved it away. To this day, I still sometimes struggle with being comfortable with public displays of affection but I'm much better.

Anyway, at a certain point I started doubting whether I truly was bisexual and constantly felt this need to "prove" that I was truly bisexual. I mean I hadn't been with a girl in a long time, and most of my crushes were of boys. I had friends who would ask me "so are you straight yet?" This need for people to box me annoyed me. I don't go around asking single people if they're asexual yet. And I would go to lgbt meetings, and bi group meetings and somehow still feel out of place. Like I didn't quite fit in.

It was only recently when I first heard the term pansexual. Since I have also been struggling with gender issues for some time I instantly loved the new term that I could add to my vocabulary. Pansexual, it just sounded so open, just like I strive to be.



I will finish this later...