I love you, Andres

My mind right now is just racing with thoughts. This is usually what happens though before I go to bed. Usually why I have trouble sleeping. When everything has ended and you just lay in bed left with nothing else but your own thoughts. Usually I try to keep myself constantly busy to try and escape these very thoughts, try to distract myself from them, but eventually I always have to face them.

There is this just nervous anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know I keep procrastinating things that I shouldn't be. Like how I decided that I wanted to apply for the Americorps NCCC program over the summer, I started the application way back in September... and now its February and I STILL haven't finished it. Every time I look at it I just feel sick to my stomach. I want to get in so badly, yet I'm so scared of rejection, and I believe it is rolling admissions so at this point I'm wondering if I should even bother applying to the fall program or if I should go ahead and apply instead to the winter program. I don't know.

Tonight I was in a pretty good mood. But I had no one to share it with. It was nice outside again, and I walked around a bit, but then just went back to my room... to compulsively check my facebook and e-mail... and try to find stupid things to preoccupy my time with. Last night I kept checking my e-mail like every 10 minutes, as if someone was going to send me a new e-mail at 3:30 AM within 10 minutes...

I have been trying hard to get back in touch with people who I care about. I'm really realizing how much I just shut myself off from the world. I don't think it helped that I didn't have internet for almost a year while I was in Spain. But I just feel strange lately. Like I'm finally not being a hermit anymore, and making an effort to be nice to people, and give people a chance, and get to know people, and I've been meeting some pretty cool cats, but I'm also about to graduate, and really I'm just finding that this is a never-ending predicament that I face. I meet some cool people, and soon enough they're out of my life again. I understand that life takes us all in different directions, and that we are all doing our own thing, but sometimes I just wish I could just surround myself by all the people I care about whenever I so desire!

It's just so hard for me to live in the present. I know its something I need to work on. To stop regretting the past, stop worrying about the future and just be happy in the present. Easier said than done. I somehow just constantly fear that I'm going to do something to eternally fuck up my future. I'm trying really hard to just enjoy moments for what they are, and to maximize the number of moments enjoyed.

I really do have a big heart and although I believe I am able to perhaps give more because of it, I also think I get hurt easier because of it. Deep down I am a hopeless romantic.

Lately I keep thinking about my uncle who passed away. Aside from my sister and parents, I barely know the rest of my family. They all live in Argentina, and I've only ever met them a few times. I used to get really upset about this, and felt angry toward my parents for coming to the US. My family all know each other well, and get along together great (or so it seems) and my sister and I were just the odd ones out. My uncle is really the only one who truly made an effort to get to know me. I never got the chance to get to know him as well as I would have liked to but to this day he is probably my biggest role model. He was energetic and positive and lived life to the fullest. He never had any money but every single year he would remember my birthday and usually send me some sort of gift. I never remembered his birthday. He traveled the world and never judged anyone. When I went to visit him we shared ice cream with this homeless man he befriended and allowed to live under the steps. He would always bring change with him to give to the homeless. When I was 13 or so he offered me marijuana since he smoked every single night. He would tell me stories about all the different drugs he tried. He loved to draw, and he loved cats and plants. He had his priorities straight, and understood what really mattered in life. He died from AIDS about a year ago. He lived far longer than all the doctors told him he would. I'm sorry I didn't get to know you better, and I'm sorry that the last time you called on the phone I didn't really care to talk. I have always admired you and I will always love you. You are truly a guide in my every day life. I hope that somehow or in some way you can hear me.

If I have learned anything its that I should always give people a chance, to try and live life to the fullest while I can, and to take the time to appreciate the wonderful people in my life.

Fuck I'm crying. How did I even get on that topic? I don't know.

Sorry if I keep jumping from thought to thought...

I got a cranberry-grapefruit vitamin water. I now have two flavors of vitamin-water I enjoy. The other is dragonfruit.

Uff.. I think I should probably go sleep soon since I have to wake up at 10 tomorrow... on a Saturday to learn to use stupid statistics programs.